More Sidewalk Showdowns

So I'm walking on the sidewalk and I'm just sliding on the occasional ice patch. (Keep in mind this in January). I am pretty skilled at sliding on the patches after practicing for a while. I'm in mid slide on a pretty long chunk of ice when I see this rabbit. Not a bunny, a rabbit. Now this rabbit was an exceptionally bouncy one. It was hopping this way and that. Too bouncy as a matter of fact. According to a credible source by the name of Python, Monty, who has had experiences with rabbits, "you think they may be funny at first, but it's got the...um...you know.You best stay away from it." Taking this advice from such a credible source, I ran away.

The Daumenator has spoken

Inaugurations

As you may know, we added the 43rd person into the club of presidents on January 20, 2009 (Grover Cleveland was our 22nd and 24th president). There weren't too many surprises this time, but let's look at some mishaps in the past.

• William Henry Harrison (1841): Decided on a rainy inauguration day that it would look unmanly for him to wear a coat. He died one month later due to the Pneumonia he received that fateful morning. (In March)
• Andrew Jackson (1829-1837): Being an old war hero from Tennessee, he kept smashing rum bottles on the Chief Justices head. During his second inauguration, one of the bottles refused to brake. He then set it on fire while saying, "I'm still president!"
• William Howard Taft (1909-1913): The first hover chair was created for the old fatty. But it then broke and became an actual chair. When the Chief Justice who was swearing him in asked, "are you all right?" Taft replied with a drunken, "Don't ask me no game show questions."
• Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929): Because of President Warren G. Harding's death, Coolidge did not have the first official inauguration. But when he was elected and then re-inaugurated in 1925, due to his love for being "Silent Cal," Coolidge only mimed out what he was supposed to say but he accidentally offended half the deaf community when he attempted to "sign it out."
• Dirtybeard the III (1849-1853): To show to the general public that he was not just a pirate to that took over the White house, Dirtybeard encouraged a 21 gun salute. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell the cannon men to aim somewhere other than the buildings around the White House.

The Daumenator has spoken

Holy _______, _______man!

Almost every super hero has a gimmick. Don't deny it. Superman is known for his tights, Aqua man is known for his hydrophobia, and Batman is known, of course, for his: gadgets, villains, cape, TV show/Movie, but most importantly, the bumbling fools that follow him around and praise him. With his side kicks, Batman would probably be more successful, but they make him look cooler with their nerdliness. They shouldn't even be called sidekicks anyway. Usually, they are slower than the hero so they are often behind him that they should really be called back-kicks. "Nothing's better than a kick to the spine."  But back-kicks, to quote George Bush, are "misunderestimated." They have the power to look good in tights, carry the shark repellant Bat spray, and come up with the greatest catch phrases of all time. Flappy, Birdman's back-kick, came up with the heart warming motto, "if at first you don't succeed, flying with Birdman is not for you." back-kicks are preasent in every day life, you may not like them, but they'll be there. 

The Daumenator has spoken

Greatest Weapons

Weapon #1: Squirrel shooter disguised as a pop can

Yes, you read it right. Squirrel shooter. If you haven't noticed, squirrels have become a menace to our society. They feed on the food we give to birds, they try and put themselves into movies like "Snow White and the Seven Midgets," and they eat nuts. But the squirrels are also cunning. It takes some clever thinking to figure out how to talk extremely fast. The weapon will look like this: a regular pop can (it doesn't matter what flavor) that has that hole you drink out of as an aiming device. the "trigger" will be the pop tab you used to open the "soda." When activated, the SS Diet Takedown will released a anti-roadkill net from the "bottom" of the "can" that will capture the varmint and save your neighborhood. The net will probably go about 2 feet so make sure you have a clear shot. Remember to drink casually so that the squirrel is unaware of your ESP (excellent sniping position). 

Weapon #2: The Sock

Materials: 1 used sock, masking tape

Directions: Tape to enemies head over the eyes and within smelling distance of the nose. This not only blinds your opponent but also introduces them to you and how badly you need personal hygiene.

Weapon #3: The Perpetual Snow Cannon (When snow is on the ground only)

This is an undiscovered source of violence because it is technically your average snow blower but no longer average because you have given it a cool name. 

Directions: First, target your opponent. Second, pursue opponent with cannon on. Third, before contact with snow has been made, make sure the cannon's firing end is not pointed at you unless your opponent is you because you have a split personality. If you use this weapon effectively, you will not only clear a sidewalk/driveway, but cover your opponent with snow.

The Daumenator has spoken

Wisdom Words

• When life gives you tomatoes, first, think anout whether it's a fruit or not and then go to spain and throw it at people in La Tomatina.
  
• When life gives you toothpicks, ask for more so that you can build a cool house out of them.
• When life gives you pants; put them on. You probably need them.
• When life gives you ice, make ice cubes.
  
• When life gives you icicles, get out of the way.
• When life gives you a falling Redwood tree, get out of the way.
  
• When life gives you a turbo charged, hydraulic, hi-speed jet pack. First, rejoice, you want to feel good about this. Second, eat a sandwich. You can get hungry riding on a jet pack. Third, use it. Duh!
• When life gives you milk, thank life for telling you to be healthy, watch it sit there and then turn it into delicious cheese.
  
• When life gives you lasagna, EAT LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!
  

The Daumenator has spoken

A Letter from the Editor

Since we are in Winter here and it is very cold and blue, I thought that J Town should try and counter that. We will be opposite of what the season wants us to do. Yeah. Stupid nature. In your face. It will still have the "Thisaway" (Yes its called that) format. Why? Because I like arrows pointing to stuff. Duh! Plus, it is one of the few formats that capitalize both the J and the T in J Town. I cannot stress this enough. I HATE IT WHEN THINGS AREN'T CAPITALIZED. it just seems sloppy when capital letters are present. i am not that sloppy. if i was, my name would be mr. sloppy. So without further ado, I present to you the new, electrifying format!

The Daumenator has spoken

Mushrooms!

Here's a song about Mushrooms:

Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms,

They are so poisonous!

Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms,

I eat them on the bus!

Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms,

They've got little tops of fun!

Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms,

They are good for everyone!

The Daumenator has sung

The New Top 11 As Of 1/6/09

These are my Top 11 songs that I must crank:

1. Goody Two Shoes ~ Adam Ant
   
2. Thunderstruck ~ AC/DC
   
3. The Obvious Child ~ Paul Simon
   
4. Dancing With Myself ~ Billy Idol
   
5. Welcome to the Jungle ~ Guns N' Roses
   
6. Panama ~ Van Halen
   
7. La Grange ~ ZZ Top
   
8. Monkey Wrench ~ Foo Fighters
   
9. Who Do You Love? ~ George Thorogood & The Destroyers
   
10. Ain't Nothing Wrong With That ~ Robert Randolph and the Family Band
    
11. Radio Nowhere ~ Bruce Springsteen
    

The Daumenator has spoken

The Wondrous Whole Foods Store

Location: Austin, Texas

Size: Ginormous 

Reason to go: Any reason is good enough!

525 N. Lamar Blvd.

Store hours: 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. seven days a week

Coffee Bar opens at 6:00 a.m

Awesome thing #1: The Blender of Fruit Drinks

Ingredients: 3 Apples, 9 Carrots, and Pomegranate Juice

It turns into a Texas Orange color. (It looks like this lllllllll)

It is a great and healthy drink any you can drink it wherever you are in the store. They don't care. it's cheap too.

Rating: 5 Stars, 7 Comets, 2 Galaxies, and 5/2 Thumbs Up.

Awesome Thing #2: The Walk-in Wine Cooler

Contents: 50 feet of wine on either side as you walk in the giant fridge.

I couldn't drink any of the drinks in there but it was still impressive.

Rating: 4 stars, 6 comets, The Andromeda Galaxy, and 2 Thumbs Up

The Daumenator has spoken

The Wondrous Whole Foods Store

Awesome thing #3: The Practically Unlimited Sausage Selection

Contents: At least 100 different types of sausages for you to choose from. Replaced every week

It's a crap load of sausages and they all looked really good to eat even though I'm not a fan of sausages.

Rating: 3 stars, 2 Haley's Comets, 1 Spiral Galaxy, 2 severed thumbs dangling

Awesome thing #4: The Escalators

What? First you park underneath the store. (Point) Then, you enter through automatic sliding doors. (Point) Third, you step on at most three escalators (depending on where you are). (Point) As you go up/down the escalators, you see the history of whole foods/ How they get there organic apples delivered.

It's like an extremely slow roller coaster

Rating: 4 Stars, 3 Shooting Stars, 1 Spherical Galaxy, 5 Toes Curled

Awesome thing #5: Free food! (Contains Nuts)

First of all, it's not just any food, it's food you make yourself. There are about twenty machines,shaped like water coolers, each containing a type of nut or a mixture of a nut and another food such as chocolate or raisons. You take a tiny paper cup (complimentary) and press the button. The machines then grind up the nuts and turn them into a peanut buttery-like substance that you can eat and carry around the whole store.

Rating: 4 White Dwarfs, 6 Comets, 2 Galaxy, 3.25 Thumbs Up

The Daumenator has spoken