Theodore Roosevelt vs. Chuck Norris

This is where we pit some of the two toughest men in history against each other. But we won't do any of those fancy virtual simulation things. No. We're going to give each of their qualities an analyzation. Let the battle begin!


Facial Hair

TR: Has one of those Iron Will mustaches. Closely resembles a walrus mustache. And you don't want to mess with a walrus do you? Legend has it that TR's mustache once got some mayonnaise on it. The mayonnaise proceeded to clean itself of because of fear.


CN: Has a scruffy beard and mustache. Oh yeah, just like a rebel. It has that kind of, "I've killed people with this beard kind" of look. A myth about the beard is, "There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist." That's one crafty beard to cover up something like that.

EDGE: Chuck Norris

Deals

Neither of these men have been on Deal or No Deal. If they were they'd get the million dollar case right away.

TR: Created the Square Deal. It consisted of a deal to coal miners. He then would punch you square in the jaw if you objected.

CN: Has the Round Deal. Disagree with him during the deal, and you get a Roundhouse kick to the back of your face.

Edge: Theodore Roosevelt

Losses

TR: In the Presidential race of 1910, Teddy lost the Republican party nomination to the overweight, copycat of TR, William Howard Taft. Taft won that year, but by the next election, TR created the Bull moose party. Which diverted all votes from the Republican part and gave them to Woodrow Wilson.

CN: In the movie "The Way Of The Dragon" Chuck Norris Dies. Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee

Edge: Theodore Roosevelt

Reputations

TR: Teddy always had reputation for being stern. An example of this is when he tossed Eleanor Roosevelt into a riveer in order to teach her how to swim. He also had a son named Kermit. His sterness got him through the entire building of the Panama Canal all by himself. He caught yellow fever down there but guffawed it off.

CN: Chuck has a reputation of creating death wherever he walks by punching and roundhouse kicking all now extinct species.(They were Do-do's because they messed with him)

Edge: Chuck Norris

Impersonations

Chuck Norris resembles a lion always catching its prey.

Theodore resembles the 26th president you don't want to mess with.

Edge: I can't criticize this, impersonations are an opinion thing

Facts

TR: (as written in the book (including capitializations))

• Caught up in the spiritualism craze of the early twentieth century, Roosevelt participated in more than thirty seances - AS THE TABLE.
• Roosevelt began every day by wrestling his entire cabinet and throwing them out the window. He accidently killed Secretary of War Elihu Root this way.
• When offered the "Presidential Option" to cover up any murder inthe White House, he GUFFAWED MIGHTILY and insisted that he could easily bring Root back to life VIA STRENUOUS EXERCISE AND BLACK MAGIC.
• HE WAS RIGHT!
• When rejected by the mainstream Republican Party, Roosevelt created the "BULL MOOSE" Party. Initially only moose were allowed to join, as Roosevelt admired their solid, stubborn natureand their hatred of trusts.
• LATER, PARTY MEMBERSHIP WOULD BE OPEN TO ANYONE WHO COULD GROW ANTLERS.
• Only JANE ADDAMS could manage it!
• TR's daughter, the spirited Alice, would regularily strangle ponies for the delight of the White House Press Corps. WHO DO YOU THINK TAUGHT HER THAT TRICK?
• The "Teddy Bear" was named after Teddy Roosevelt because of his LOVE OF BEAR MEAT and the fact that he was covered in fur.
• Teddy Roosevelt had a HOOK FOR A HAND. But then, you already knew this.
• Roosevelt once had a presidential aide who was suffering from thedreaded disease tuberculosis. TR organized a staring contest and STARED THE TB RIGHT OUT OF HIM.
• Together, TR and his son, Kermit, explored Brazil's River of Doubt. When they were done with it, it was renamed THE RIVER OF UNQUESTIONABLE CERTAINTY.
• TR named his son Kermit. THAT SHOWED HIM!
• Roosevelt died fighting an old lion and was buried in Mount Rushmore, WHERE HIS GIGANTIC, FOSSILIZEDFACE STILL STARES OUT OVER THE COUNTRY HE BEAT INTO SHAPE THIS VERY DAY.

CN: (Taken from a website)

• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
• Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
• Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
• Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Edge: You Decide

The Daumenator has spoken

House Tigers

You've seen them. Well maybe not in real life, but maybe in the movies. The point is, up until now, House Tigers have not been as popular as they should be. I mean they're cute, cuddly, and if you play your cards right, you could be hosting a mock Seigfried and Roy show in your living room/Tiger Chamber. I mean it's fool proof!

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I mean, who doesn't like tigers on couches? They symbolize relaxation. And if you can relax on your own couch with a hungry tiger right next to you, you are one relaxed person. I mean tigers are intense creatures to play fetch with. Just look at the picture below if you don't believe me:

YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET IN THE WAY OF HIS TREAT!

But I believe house tigers should be more involved in society. You will force Congress to get something done if you put an angry tiger in the room and don't take him out till a bill is passed. But house tigers can be so cute and fluffy. Just look at how they prance in the snow:

So I cast a vote for house tigers, do you?
The Daumenator has spoken

The Stuff You May Have Not Heard Of

I know what you're thinking. "It's that doodad thingy! But what is it called? I wish I knew someone who could tell me what that's called!" Well I was thinking the same thing. Turns out nobody knew what it was called. Even the percussion people in a high school band didn't know. Well the Vibra-Slap (yes, it's hyphenated) or the Mandible has confused many people. I mean, how does it make that sound? Well എ metal teeth inside the wooden block rotate to create that unique sound due to someon hitting the ball on one end. Also known as the MACHINE GUN COWBELL!

How to Play a Vibraslap

Please drink responsibly

There was a commercial one day. It talked about germs and all the things that could come from tap water. It then proceeded to say ,"Please drink responsibly." There can only be one explanation. Brita water filters must contain some kind of alcohol. Otherwise, there wopuldn't be a need to drink it responsibly.

Note: I have now figured out how to put my top 11 into music. I have also put my current 20 most recently played on the blog as well. Go crazy.

I need to come up with a way to explain how the third person works without the person thinking, "I'm not three people. But if myself talks like that, he will be the third person." Because that's exactly what happened the other day. I'm not going to name names but the same person also asked what a Dove Bar is. (His/Her name rhymes with Splate) Now for those who could figure out who that is, you're thinking, "How could he/she say that? He/She is an ice cream connoisseur! Well he/she was not at fault. He/She thought we said, "Doug Bar." He/She began asking questions like, "Where are these Doug Bars? Who makes them? Are they tasty? Are they made of Doug? I've only heard of Haggen Dazs (?)" Well it was a sad day. The Doug Bar had been forgotten about. But here are a few pictures of Doug's Bar:

Let's go party there!

Also, did you know Snuffelufagus was invisible to everyone but Big Bird, on Sesame Street for a while? I didn't. Major changes were made when Doug the cartoon show on Nickelodeon changed to Disney. Instead of having eight hairs on his head, Doug had a growth spurt and had nine hairs.

The Daumenator has spoken